The Daily Roast for 8.28.08

I really hate to be mean, but if our new Nashville Star can sell 23 albums and secure a Krispy Kreme sponsorship, it would surpass my expectations. She puts the “ass” in embarrasment.

Hey Blake Shelton, ‘She wouldn’t Be Gone’ if you could keep it in your pants and off Miranda’s bus.

I wonder if Gretchen Wilson learned anything about copyright infringement while getting her GED.

I love how Gary LeVox just shaved his head and is trying to pass himself off as the “new” band Trailer Choir.

There’s a rumor that James Otto is joining Big and Rich on an upcoming national tour. I wonder if they’ve ever thought about forming a trio… Call it Big & Rich & Ugly.

Apparently Brad Paisley has entitled his new album, Play, after his favorite Nashville hot spot.

Toby Keith’s political arrogance and false sense of relevancy make me wish he would go ride around on a scooter with Will Hoge.

Speaking of Toby…betcha didn’t know that he owns a 30% stake in a group of brothels in Amsterdam…

Did they actually record new tracks to Keith Anderson’s new single (I still Miss You) or did they just let him sing over the karaoke tracks for “Sweet Southern Comfort?”

Challenge for the day: Describe Kenny Chesney’s appearance without using the words “Jiminy Cricket” or “turtle.” Can’t be done!

In a foot look-alike contest, Heidi Newfield would tie Sarah Jessica Parker for first place!

No elaboration or setup is required, just click here and laugh

The Daily Roast for 7.11.08

Rascal Flatulence performed on July 4 with the Boston Pops Orchestra. Is nothing sacred anymore? Gary LeVox is said to have been mistaken for an out-of-tune violin.

I guess with the announcement of Larry Willoughby’s departure, Autumn House delegated Melissa Fuller to immediately send out an extensive A&R tip sheet to publishers –including all of one artist! I’m glad they decided to get busy!

Nashville Star producer Howard T. Owens said this week that he wants to make the show more “country-sounding” in order to make the Nashville music industry and fans proud. H.T., the only thing that would make us proud is if you changed the show’s name and location.

Let’s hope that when she grows up, Keith’s newborn daughter doesn’t get involved in a porno aptly titled “Raining On Sunday.”

So the U.S. House of Representatives passes a resolution honoring Toby Keith for his outstanding commitment to the U.S. Military? I doubt Craig Morgan and Josh Gracin will be attending the party.

TNR received an email from Amy Winehouse this week. She said that Mindy McCready is starting to take things a little too far and should probably seek preofessional help.

We heard “Neverland Ranch” is for sale. Wonder if Kirt Webster is going to bid on it and move his offices there? If he added some rides and exotic animals to the mix, someone might actually visit him.

All of a sudden, I feel a lot safer knowing that my daughter is going to a Tim McGraw concert.

According to a Grand Junction, CO health official, the Country Jam Music festival causes a spike in the number of pregnancies amongst their residents. Apparently, they are all trying to find something better to do.

We at TNR have recently learned that Kenny Chesney will soon be coming out with a new Greatest Hits album titled Variations of ‘She’s Got it All’. It will include all singles from then until now.

Some of the folks on Music Row have been complaining about the increased number of bums stalking 16th Ave. We weren’t aware the Velvet Rope was having an in-town convention!

The Daily Roast for 6.24.08

Thank God ‘Third Town’ is no longer embarrassing themselves and our city on Nashville Star. Odd that the singer based his appearance on Todd Cleary of Wedding Crashers. “Wanna play tummy sticks, anyone!?”

Love the title of Brad Paisley’s new single. You keep telling yourself that, buddy… Speaking of song titles, Jo Dee Messina’s current smash is also quite aptly named.

Apparently Billy Ray Cyrus was “shocked and surprised” by the photos of daughter Miley in Vanity Fair. Was he oogling her breast so much DURING the photo shoot that he did not realize what was going on?

I recently heard the Flat Rascal’s new tune, “Bob that Head.” I think that they need to keep their private conversations with Cody Alan just that – private.

With the recent influx of the Hollywood Hillbilly wannabe’s, country music is becoming as fake as Jennifer Nettles’ accent.

I see Hazel Smith is still writing columns for CMT.com. That must be part of their Vanderbilt “Special Needs” employment program.

It doesn’t say much for Sara Evans career that she and new hubby decided to move to Alabama because “he needs to be there for work.”

I hope Gretchen’s recent education can afford her a job. She hasn’t had a hit since early 2005’s “Homewrecker.” Speaking of homewreckers, I wonder what Miranda Lambert is up to these days…

Someone in A&R “Should’ve Said No” to Taylor Swift’s dreadful new tune.

Here’s secretly hoping that artist/egoist Toby Keith’s new movie is every bit as successful as fellow singer Jessica Simpson’s latest, Blonde Ambition. (grossed a total of $348 opening night)

After picking up a 6-pack of Sam Adams from a local grocer over the weekend, I accidentally tripped over a live-sized poster of our favorite nasal womanizer, Kenny Chesney.

The Daily Roast for 6.10.08

(One) Trick Pony member Ira Dean is suing McDonalds for using his likeness on the side of their latest Happy Meal boxes. Upon hearing this, Kenny Chesney has reportedly contacted his lawyer to discuss the possibilities of filing a copyright infringement suit against Rice Krispies.

Amidst all of the “Genre-jumping” that female artist are currently doing, is anyone else secretly hoping that Mindy McCready will team up with fellow crack-whore Courtney Love?

Having Jim Beam sponsor Montgomery Gentry is like having Twinkies sponsor Wynonna. Let’s not encourage this behavior, people.

According to CMT, Billy Ray Cyrus has extended an invitation to Bucky Covington to appear in his daughter’s upcoming movie, “Hannah Montana.” Additionally, he is already contacting studios to launch his spin-off: “Bucky Kentucky.”

It seems that the new “it” thing in country music today is young, attractive, blonde females. That’s right up your alley, huh TK?!

Wildly successful, yet painfully mundane Taylor Swift was recently quoted as saying that her album is “full of songs that she wrote while still in high school.” As Ray Zalinsky would say “Great, you’ve pinpointed the problem. Step two is correcting it.”

Lorrie Morgan was allegedly pulled over for speeding last Thursday night. Apparently, she heard that there were two balls at LP Field that anyone could reach out and touch.

No funny here – and nothing against Carrie Underwood, but Pete Fisher should be lambasted for the fact that Charlie Daniels and Carrie Underwood both became opry members within a 4 month period. Will Merle Haggard and Julianne Hough be inducted next year?

Lyric Street has announced that high gas prices are affecting concert attendance and sales. Either that, or internet piracy. Are you sure that it doesn’t have anything to do with the fact that your “Vocal Group” of the year sounded like a tribe of 80 year-old lifelong-smoking women?

I have passed gas with better tone than 80% of our new “Nashville Star” contestants.

IF I were in Nashville, and IF I could write a song, and IF I were goodlooking…. I’d be a superstar…. yeah VelvetRoper’s…. if IF’s and BUT’s were candy and nuts….

The Daily Roast for 6.4.08

Regarding his recent arrest, Chris Cagle released a statement today saying “I do want it to be known, however, that this argument was not elevated nor induced because of my being intoxicated. I’ve worked too hard and come this far.”  In other news, a 17 year old New York teenage girl disputes her DUI with the claim “I didn’t drink! I was kissing a boy who was drunk.”

After the debacle of Category 5 Records, maybe the rest of Nashville’s labels should consider adding a disclaimer to their CD legal notices that reads “No old people were harmed in the process of making this album.”

Nashville Star:  5 winners, two record deals, thirty seven records sold.

Apparently, Jamey Johnson has released a coloring book of himself that fans can color, then send back to him to be posted on MySpace.  If I can find a brown to match the floor of Red Door Saloon, and a green to match the puke dribbling from his mouth, I might just win the contest for “most realistic.”  Save that Last Dollar, you drunk bastard.

So Eddie Montgomery somehow rolls himself up onto the the back of a horse, and he’s the one with the rib injury?

OK Craig, here is what will take you to the next level:  First, we’ll straighten your hair, then

The Daily Roast for 6.3.08

Joe Don and Tiffany welcomed their first child, a baby boy, on May 31st. According to Joe Don, “It was a beautiful thing!” From what i’ve seen, I am sure that Hugh Heffner and every other male under 90 would agree.

14 tracks to choose from, and you decide to ride Michael Buble’s coattails up the charts, Blake? Pure BS, indeed. Looking forward to your version of “American Woman” this fall

Anyone else throw up in their mouth a little bit while watching Miley and Billy Ray’s photo shoot? Two words for you Billy Ray: Josef Fritzl.

Well, it’s official….Brad Paisley has packed so much fudge that he finally got a Hershey’s endorsement.

A purse to the side of the head?! C’mon Chris Cagle, you can do better than that. Hey, maybe you should ask Tracy Lawrence for some tips on how to beat women properly. Say hi to Mindy for us, too…

Is it me, or does Kelly Pickler’s popularity perfectly coincide with her bra size?

Kirt Webster has has convinced ex-Category 5 cronie Craig Hand to pose for PLAYGIRL. Apparently, he asked Craig for some “private pictures” and said he could “pull a few strings.”… People, I can’t make this stuff up…

Taylor Swift said that one of her favorite songs coming up was Ricochet’s “Daddy’s Money.” Funny how we always favor that to which we can relate…

Is it just me, or do you have a feeling that although James Otto “Just Got Started,” he’s not gonna be around for long?

The success of “She’s a Hottie” further confirms Toby Keith’s audience’s collective low IQ.

Apparently “love everybody” doesn’t include John Rich

What do you get when you add Keith Urban’s hair, Sheryl Crow’s song, and your daughter’s money? “Real Gone.” The way you should have left your career, Billy Ray

There’s a sweet article on CMT.com about Jo Dee Messina’s two puppies. I’ve often heard that dogs sometimes look like their owners, but damn…

Mutt, seriously – who’s bed have your boots been under?

Gretchen Wilson has finally received a high school education. At age 34 and with one child, this is about average for women from Pocahontas, IL.

The Daily Roast for 8.14.07

It’s been rumored that Rodney Atkins’ “I’ve been watching You” was based on his real life situation with Tim McGraw.

Why do I run into more Country Music colleagues at a coldplay concert than at a Kenny Chesney one??

Jennifer Hanson?? I guess it was a “Beautiful Goodbye.” She barely said hello.

Is anybody still “Here for the Party?”

Why does a certain record label president think that the Nashville Roast is a reason for the “current state of the music industry?”

Is the ole internet excuse not working for ya anymore??

How about making a record worthy of purchasing.

So is the Taylor Swift cover of “Strawberry Wine” in the can yet?

I’ve got a joke for you: Lonestar. Get it?

Tiki Barber had two fumbles all of last year. He is still not protective of his balls as Faith Hill.